I wish I could teleport
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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