Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
