This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
