walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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