is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
