Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
