Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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