I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
