I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
