I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
