i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
