so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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