just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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