My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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