Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
