chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
