fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I looked at my own cervix.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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