my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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