There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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