I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
