I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
