My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
