Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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