I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
All I want is dick and wine.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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