I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
