mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize