im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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