I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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