woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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