What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
