I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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