a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
