Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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