Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
