hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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