Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
