I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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