you guys were way drunker than both of me
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
