why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
someone owes me an orgasm
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
