I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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