i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
