Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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