I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
