I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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