I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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