Don't make out with my wife yet
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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