Banned from zoo.
Again?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
