just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I would ride that face into the sunset
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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