Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
