You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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