Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
