Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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