Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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