I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
