A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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