I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
