Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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