you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
