just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
