My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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