Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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