she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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