I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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