She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
