Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
