I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
