I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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